☕️ FORENSIC FABLES ☙ Friday, July 26, 2024 ☙ C&C NEWS 🦠

FBI questions everything about July 13th; SEALs defeat military; covid doc keeps license; black folks groan at voter choice; shocking MSNBC truth bomb; worst governor cleans up for Kamala; and more.

Good morning, C&C, it’s Friday! As corporate media desperately tries to retcon Kamala “Plan B” Harris’s reputation, your daily roundup of essential news includes: FBI questions everything, like whether President Trump was hit by a bullet at all, or whether we even need an FBI in the first place; Navy SEALs defeat the US military over jab punishments; top covid doc wins a licensing battle; entertaining video evidence that corporate media erection of newly selected democrat presidential candidate may not be gripping in the hinterlands; and guess what? It’s that wonderful season of joy again that comes around every four years—time to hide the homeless.

🗞💬 WORLD NEWS AND COMMENTARY 💬🗞

🔥🔥 The New York Times ran a story yesterday headlined, “F.B.I. Examining Bullet Fragments Found at Trump Rally Site.” The bullet fragments are critical evidence. In short, the Federal Bureau of Investigations, a critical partner with DOJ in the vital January 6th roundup, isn’t precisely certain what exactly happened to President Trump’s ear on July 13th. In other words, the F.B.I. is baffled.

“Investigators,” the Times soberly informed readers, “have not made a determination on the precise manner in which former President Donald J. Trump was injured.” It could be anything.

If only they had a clue! Of some kind!

During Congressional testimony on Wednesday, confounded FBI Director Christopher “Magoo” Wray told a shocked Representative Jim Jordan (R-Oh.) that, “With respect to former President Trump, there’s some question about whether or not it’s a bullet or shrapnel that hit his ear.”

Who knows what it could have been! Maybe a bullet. Or maybe it was some kind of flying shrapnel. We must also consider the possibility it was a spontaneous psychosomatic injury. Or, maybe a supersonic hummingbird? An oversized mosquito, striking at just the right moment? Mutant head lice? Quarks? A mutton?

Never fear! Diligent law enforcement agents will someday solve this perplexing mystery. The FBI has their best men/women/non-binary/puppy-identifying agents on the job right now. They are working around the clock, at least 90 minutes a day, in fifteen-minute shifts between union-required two-hour mental health breaks.

But there was some good news. We are much closer now to determining what might have been the mechanism of injury. After subjecting the crime scene to microscopic analysis, expert forensics, drone mapping, and satellite imagery, they have not been able to rule out the bullet theory. More importantly, according to the Times, they finally found a clue! Eight bullet casings:

The trouble is, the bullet casings were not located anywhere near President Trump’s ear. So a crack team of FBI forensics experts, many having face tattoos, are attempting to re-construct a scenario where the bullet casings could have engaged Trump’s auditory organ and then returned to the warehouse roof. Current hypotheses include quantum mechanics and time-travel.

President Trump appears vexed at the FBI’s slow progress in this key area of investigation, perhaps not fully comprehending that these things take time. In a frustrated post yesterday, the victim-President suggested, just as a possibility, that the doctors who treated his head wound might be able to shed some light on the bewildering mystery:

But President Trump is not a forensics expert. He doesn’t even have a face tattoo. And although ten minutes ago, during the pandemic, medical experts’ opinions were considered to be, well, bulletproof. But now, what do they know about gunshot wounds? Stupid doctors. Shut up and get back to the band-aids.

Other difficult questions remain. Mysterious questions Director Magoo is currently considering include: was Thomas Crooks just duck hunting, and the President got in the way? Were there any bullets at all? Was there even a rally? Is there such a thing as the FBI, or are we all experiencing a nightmarish mass hallucination and could wake up sweating at any moment?

You can trust the FBI to find out. They are forming theories that do not involve conspiracies, which in technical jargon are referred to as “non-conspiracy theories.” We won’t have to wait for long. AS a nervous nation waits impatiently for answers, the agency tentatively intends to release a report with its conclusions on or about September, 2041. Stand by.

💉💉 The UK Daily Mail ran a very encouraging story yesterday headlined, “Navy SEALs who refused COVID vax score major win against Biden admin.” The government finally gave in and settled.

Biden’s August, 2021, military jab mandate caused the forced firing of over 8,000 service members who refused the shots on religious grounds, including thousands of Navy SEALs and other soldiers. On top of professionally punishing soldiers who resisted the mandate, the military had also demanded that fired soldiers pay back their signing bonuses and reimburse the government for hundreds of thousands of dollars in training.

Twenty-six SEALs sued. Later, the case expanded to include all Navy service members who raised religious objections to the shots. Yesterday, after a long and difficult case, during which the government stubbornly insisted it was right all along, civil-rights law firm First Liberty announced the government had finally settled the lawsuit.

Under the court-approved settlement, all soldiers, current and discharged, will have their records corrected to show they didn’t do anything wrong. The Navy may not consider their refusal to take the jabs in future promotion reviews. The Navy also agreed to post a public statement affirming the Navy’s new-found respect for religious service members. It must better train commanders who review religious accommodation requests, revise its accommodation request policy (which suddenly changed during the mandate), and cough up $1.5 million in attorneys’ fees.

Earlier in the lawsuit, the Fifth Circuit and the Supreme Court both upheld an injunction against the Navy restricting it from firing any more religious soldiers for jab refusal.

The Mail also reported that a group of over 200 soldiers isn’t satisfied with the settlement, since nobody has apologized, no officers have been disciplined for trampling on soldiers’ Constitutional rights, and top brass still suffer from an intolerable infection of viral smugness. So the 200 soldiers vow to continue the war.

The story also reported that, since the mandate, the Army faces a huge recruiting shortfall, which comes at a very inconvenient time considering pugilistic President Cabbage is picking fights with all comers, even though he can barely complete a sentence, much less march in a straight line. In fiscal year 2022, for example, the Army fell 10,000 short of its annual recruiting target, despite offering male recruits free boob jobs and a lovely “welcome to the Army” bag of cosmetics.

On a more serious note, I find it deeply fascinating, if not outright providential, that the most effective tool against jab mandates has turned out to be religious belief.

Progress.

💉💉 In more great news, yesterday terrific covid doc Mary Talley Bowden announced that she’s won one of her medical license cases. One down, two to go.

It only took ten months, but it is finally over. The Texas Medical Board has dismissed the pharmacy snitch’s licensure complaint over Dr. Bowden’s ivermectin prescription, which might have saved somebody’s life, but who’s counting:

Although the Board’s letter said “no further action will be taken,” I could suggest a few additional actions, like firing the Walgreen’s pharmacist who made the complaint, boycotting the big pharmacies, and requiring Walgreen’s CEO to write “I’m a revolting snitch” a hundred times on the chalk board. But I suppose we’ll have to be happy with what we can get.

One thing we can do is support Dr. Bowden in her continuing battles to keep her medical license.

🔥🔥 Corporate media’s push to sanctify the democrat party’s newly selected glorious leader Vice President Cackle may be too late. In this morning’s first exhibit, watch carefully the other attendees on this zoom meeting react when one young lady said she’ll vote for Kamala “because she’s black.”

CLIP: black folks are starting to get it (3:01).

🔥🔥 Behold Exhibit Two. Listen to MSNBC viewers getting an astonishing dose of truth about how the democrat base “is entirely lacking in enthusiasm” and hearing “horror stories” about local democrat offices that can’t find anybody to volunteer:

CLIP: MSNBC reports on historic enthusiasm gap (0:49).

You don’t suppose … they could wind up dumping Kamala “Plan B” Harris, do you? And going with Plan C? Could they just be fronting V.P. Cackle for a little while, to draw the sting of “skipping over” the “first black* woman candidate” in history? (* Asian Indian.) Is there another switcheroo coming?

I’m only asking.

🔥🔥 It wasn’t all bad news for democrats, especially ones living in blue states. It’s that wonderful season again, like Christmas but even better, when the nation gathers together in joy and harmony to cover up the most obvious side-effects of democrat policies — right before the presidential election. Yesterday, the Associated Press ran a story headlined, “Newsom orders California state agencies to start clearing homeless encampments.”

In what the AP called Governor Newsom’s “boldest action yet,” the leader of the Golden State issued an executive order addressed to state and local agencies, directing them “to move urgently to address dangerous encampments while supporting and assisting the individuals living in them.”

Move urgently. Time is of the essence.

How bold! How leaderlike! How … presidential!

Under Newsom’s bold, leaderlike direction, state agencies must prioritize clearing camps posing ‘safety risks.’ Officials must give homeless freeloaders “reasonable” advance notice before bulldozing their excrement-filled trash heaps, offer them free services, and store their valuable personal belongings for at least two months.

I sense a whole new season of “Dirty Jobs” in the offing. Somebody call Mike Rowe.

Local cities and counties, while not required to follow the order, were “urged” to do the same. “There are simply no more excuses. It’s time for everyone to do their part,” Newsom declared boldly, in a bold, leaderlike statement yesterday.

Newsom’s boldest move yet was not embraced by everyone on the left. “You get your highway off-ramp clean for a moment only,” Democrat Assemblywoman Alex Lee said on social media. “Without meaningful services and housing, all sweeps do is making (sic) a prominent inequality less visible.”

Well, yes. Making the problem less visible is precisely the point. Not only that, but earlier this year Newsom pushed a ballot measure through, allowing the state to borrow $6.4 billion dollars to build 4,350 free McMansions for vagrants and bums ($1.5 million each).

A curious Associated Press noted, but promptly dismissed, what it called the “curious” timing of Newsom’s bold, leaderlike order “given recent developments in the 2024 presidential race:”

Purely coincidental, my good man! Don’t be a conspiracy theorist. The broader context, if not excuse, as repeatedly noted throughout the article, was the Supreme Court’s recent decision allowing cities to remove vagrants when they camp out in public places. The nation’s top court overruled long-standing 9th Circuit law holding that removing pest-attracting trash lairs from downtown streets was “cruel and unusual punishment.”

I have a different take. If we really wanted to solve this problem, we would find out who is giving the vagrants all those tents, and criminalize that, for aiding and abetting the controlled demolition of our big cities. Without tents, there’d be no homeless camps.

Who is giving drug addicts free tents on demand?

To be clear, I agree we face a horrific social tragedy of widespread drug addiction and mental illnesses (which are probably caused by some pharmaceutical or other, but I digress). We should help those folks, who are after all our sons and daughters and fellow Americans.* But most of all, we should help them by rooting out the people and organizations enabling — if not inviting — people to live that way. (* don’t get me started on the border crisis. If only we had a border czar.)

In any case, people who live in blue states are about to enjoy a brief stay of civilizational execution, as those areas clean themselves up —and clean up their favorite oleaginous governor— in a grotesque display of pure performative politics. Urgently. Before November 5th.

Have a fabulous Friday! And get back here for more delicious and nutritious Coffee & Covid, in tomorrow’s roundup of hilarious essential news and commentary.

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