☕️ BLAME THE CANOE ☙ Saturday, July 18, 2026 ☙ C&C NEWS 🦠

Maine Democrats scramble to replace their disgraced nominee with $419 and no primary, one candidate blames a canoe, Mamdani declares war on landlords, and a bank robber brings unlikely accomplice.

Good morning, C&C, it’s Saturday! Your roundup includes: Maine Democrats stage a Senate debate so disastrous that their frantic scramble to replace imploded nominee Graham Platner served up a Secretary of State who couldn’t name her own opponent’s biggest vote, one candidate campaigning on a war chest of $419, and a replacement nominee who’ll be crowned not by voters but by 601 hand-picked party insiders — because an actual primary, apparently, was just too democratic; then, proving New York refuses to let Maine hog all the self-parody, socialist Mayor Zohran Mamdani holds a press conference to announce the city will graciously help “transfer” apartment buildings away from their owners to more “responsible” ones — a bold new housing vision unveiled as rents hit record highs on his watch; next, the Trump administration floats the wildly radical proposition that immigrants applying for green cards should be able to support themselves, moving to weigh food stamps, Medicaid, and free rent in the public-charge test; and finally, because we like to end on a high note, a Maryland man attempts to rob a bank armed with the most fearsome weapon he could muster: a stolen three-month-old kitten.

🌍🇺🇸 ESSENTIAL NEWS AND COMMENTARY 🇺🇸🌍

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You know things are going poorly for the Democratic Party when even The New York Times decides to stop serving as the party’s official public relations firm and instead writes a debate review that basically said, Yikes. Thursday, the Grey Lady reluctantly reported, “5 Takeaways From a Maine Debate That Showed Replacing Platner Isn’t Easy.”

CLIP: Maine’s Democrats are in deep trouble (0:22).

Normally, if a Democrat accidentally set himself on fire during a debate, the Times headline would be: “Progressive Candidate Boldly Reimagines Thermal Energy Dynamics.” But not this week. After the Maine Democratic Senate debate —a frantic, last-minute scramble to replace disgraced nominee Graham Platner— the Times actually conceded that the event was filled with “halting answers, convoluted responses, and stilted deliveries.”

Decoding the New York Times’ signal language, this is the equivalent of writing, “The candidates were found wandering the stage, weeping openly and trying to eat their own microphones.”

And frankly, it was even worse than that. Much worse. If you recall the Biden campaign going off the rails at a debate —which honestly feels like it happened sometime during the Cretaceous Period at this point— the Maine debate was like that, but with less name recognition and more people who looked like they wandered into the TV studio looking for the restroom. Even more so than Biden.

Then there was the debut of the novel I was in a canoe defense. Meet Shenna Bellows. She is Maine’s sitting Secretary of State— a position that presumably requires you to know stuff. She was asked about Republican Senator Susan Collins’ voting record regarding Venezuela. Bellows confidently asserted that Collins had failed to stop Trump’s “completely unstable foreign policy.”

🚣‍♀️ The moderator —who clearly had not received the memo that moderators are supposed to gently massage Democratic candidates like Wagyu beef— pointed out that Collins had, in fact, voted for a war powers resolution to limit Trump on Venezuela.

Did Bellows smoothly pivot? Did she attack the premise? Sneakily shift the subject? Nope. She asked for forgiveness.

“A week ago I was on vacation on a river on the Kennebec,” Bellows explained on live national television, “and I’ve been running for governor for a long time. But when I need to know the facts, I will. I’ll do my homework.”

This is an incredible defense. I’m sorry I don’t know the voting record of the woman I am trying to unseat in one of the most important Senate races in the country. You see, I was stuck in a canoe.

It was the political equivalent of telling your boss you didn’t finish the quarterly report because you were busy looking at a really cool squirrel.

Bellows’ office issued a press release saying: “Given the incredibly short campaign window and the critical importance of this race, today I am stepping down as Maine’s Secretary of State— to dedicate every waking hour to this campaign, because the people of Maine deserve a senator who gives them everything she has.”

Haha! Just kidding! She did not say that or anything of the kind. Ms. Bellows is keeping her current gig, thank you.

So far as I could tell, none of the ten-or-so candidates announced quitting their day jobs or even taking a leave of absence. Not even Ashley. Just saying.

🚣‍♀️ But the true star of the evening —the breakout talent who provided enough conservative social media ammunition to last through the midterms— was poor Ashley Webb. To be honest, I can’t help but feel sorry for ‘them.’ (Not plural; I’m being delicate about the fact that Ms. Webb is 6’2”, built like a linebacker, covered with dense body hair, speaks in a deep voice, and retains the ‘whole nine yards.’ Or centimeters. Possibly millimeters. Whichever. Never mind that now.)

The point is, Ashley is a transgender candidate. ‘They’ appeared in the second hour of the debate, which was apparently reserved for people who had collected enough box tops to qualify. When asked the completely unfair, gotcha question of what basic qualifications she* had to serve in the United States Senate, Ashley delivered a stunning monologue that should be engraved on the Clinton Library.

“I ran for office several times. Didn’t win, but I did run,” Ashley explained, adding a very unladylike gurgle of amusement. As if feeling her* ‘L’ record might not be sufficient justification to support a run for the United States Senate, Ashley added, “And then, I’m a songwriter. And then, I write my own books.” Um. Okay.

Ashley —a man living as a woman— ironically added that she* would never ever lie to the voters, because “we get lied to, smoke and mirrors.” Never. I am not making that up.

Now, you must admit, there is a certain tragic, pitiful honesty to this. Ashley was obviously in the wrong place, like a snaggle-toothed, mixed-breed Chihuahua that had accidentally wandered onstage at a fancy Dalmatian purebred contest.

But it raises a fascinating question: Who gave this person a podium?

Did the Maine Democratic Party include a completely unprepared, deeply unserious candidate who lists “unsuccessful campaigns” and “writing songs” as Senate qualifications just to check a diversity box? If so, it backfired spectacularly.

The contrast between an unserious candidate like Ashley and the rest of the field was... well, actually, the contrast wasn’t that sharp, which was the real problem.

Come to think of it, technically speaking, writing songs is more relevant than any experience disability farmer Graham Platner ever had. So.

🚣‍♀️ Democracy died in Portland. The best part of this clown act is that Maine Democrats decided not to let the actual voters decide who replaces Platner. See, that would be too democratic. Instead, the nominee will be chosen by 601 party delegates at a convention in one week on July 25.

It’s not even clear to me why anyone would want to win. The Times ignored the financial catastrophe awaiting whoever does get the nod. The same day as the debate, the Maine Morning Star reported that Susan Collins ended Q2 with $11 million cash on hand —up from $9.7 million— while the entire Democrat field is essentially starting from zero.

Platner had $1.7 million banked when he quit, but federal law strictly limits how much can flow to the new nominee. (Plus, I bet they let him keep it as part of ‘the deal.’)

Jordan Wood, the best-funded of the new candidates, has $197,000 on hand. Dan Kleban has $419. (That’s not a typo. These days, $419 is not even enough for a nice dinner for four.) The new nominee will immediately face a roughly 55-to-1 cash disadvantage.

One candidate, DSA candidate Paige Loud (allegedly, her real name), loudly dropped out on the day of the debate, because the process was so absurd, calling it a “deeply unserious spectacle.” She’s not wrong.

So the local DNC’s party bosses —currently panicking because Susan Collins is sitting on $11 million in campaign cash while the Democratic candidates are checking the sofa cushions for loose change— will get to pick the winner.

Conspicuous by its absence was any member of the National DNC, which, if it believed Maine had any chance, would have parachuted consultants all over Portland and put on something that didn’t resemble a high school election debate. Yesterday, Politico quoted Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), who said, “I’m staying out of Maine.” His strategist added, “He doesn’t want to put his thumb on the scale.” Uh-huh.

🚣‍♀️ If there’s one thing as reliable as money in politics, that thing is politicians avoiding blame. Success, as they say, has many fathers. But failure is an orphan.

Right now, at this very moment, every sane Democrat in the US is rapidly removing themselves to minimum safe distance for when the blame balloon explodes, and an enraged base starts looking around for a culprit. Even the New York Times —which defended Platner until the bitter end— chucked the race under the bus.

When the ultimate winner inevitably gets steamrolled by Collins —who hasn’t lost an election since 1994— and is currently munching popcorn and watching this clown car crash into the ditch, the party bosses can’t blame the voters, who after all never got to pull the lever. (I bet the bosses wish they’d held a real lightning primary now. Then at least they could blame voters. Whoops.)

Democrats thought Maine was their best chance of stealing a Senate seat. Now? Somebody is going down for this self-inflicted catastrophe. I predict they’ll blame the canoe.

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Now, I hope I’m not piling on here, but is it just me, or is the Democrat Party quickly descending into self-parody? The Maine debate was today’s Exhibit A, but have a gander at this gem, delivered by DSA Mayor Zohran Mamdani, who held a press conference this week at the ‘Tenement Museum’ to announce his latest broadside against property owners in New York City. City Limits reported, “3 Takeaways From the Mamdani Administration’s First Rental Ripoff Report.”

CLIP: This is real. I didn’t make it up (0:32).

This person —notably, not a minority or “young person” but a middle-aged white woman— rambled at the podium about the Mayor’s war on “landlords.” She is a victim. A victim of “eviction violence.” (Or possibly a deadbeat.) With Mamdani grinning like a chimpanzee behind her, the woman explained how she’s lucky to even be here.

“Since 2005,” she claimed, “I survived three faulty eviction cases.” She’s a survivor! Then the real kick-in-the-guts: “I’ve lost three friends to eviction, two of whom lived on my floor.” It was a massacre.

Naturally, the best way to explain why landlords are evil is to feature a woman dressed like she’s preparing to survive a biological attack in a haberdashery. At a press conference for the “Rental Ripoff Report,” an activist named Toni Marrero —wearing a full-faced N95 mask, presumably to protect herself from the toxic fumes of capitalism, along with a bucket hat covered in buttons— took the podium to declare that “eviction is violence.”

That’s right. If you stop paying for a service and the person providing it eventually asks you to leave, you are the victim of a violent assault. By this logic, getting your Netflix account suspended because your credit card expired is basically a hate crime.

Mamdani, the ‘Democratic Socialist’ who recently upgraded from his $2,300-a-month rent-stabilized Queens apartment to the five-bedroom, taxpayer-funded Gracie Mansion, looked on approvingly. His newest and most brilliant plan? Force landlords to pay for tenant credit checks. That will show them.

Because when you make it increasingly expensive and legally perilous to rent out property, the supply of affordable housing magically increases. Abracadabra! It’s basic Marxist economics: if you punish the people providing the housing hard enough, they will rush to build more of it! Out of sheer terror.

What can I say? We are past the shark-jumping part. The motorcycle is floating in the tank in a pool of bloody chum. This is not a serious national party. Dan Kleban, one of the Maine debaters and candidate for U.S. Senate —the one who’s only raised $419— said, “The reputation of the Democratic Party is in the toilet.”

Dan, at least, gets it.

The Left has entirely abandoned the pretense of governing. Instead, we see staged, avant-garde theater for people who use the word “unhoused” unironically. We are no longer dealing with a political party; we are dealing with a cult, where the highest virtue is finding newer and ever more creative ways to be a victim. And sympathetic new ‘victims’ appear to be getting scarcer.

When the Mayor of New York City stands behind a woman who looks like she’s hiding from a 5G tower while she equates not paying rent to physical violence, you have to wonder if the entire city hasn’t just become a massive, taxpayer-funded performance art project.

Combine that with Maine’s debate, and Behold: the flowering of the Democrat polycrisis.™

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On Thursday, an alarmed CBS reported, “DHS could weigh immigrants’ use of Medicaid, food and housing help in green card decisions.”

Under existing federal immigration law, some applicants for visas, admission, or green cards can be deemed inadmissible if the government determines they are likely “at any time” to become a public charge. Biden created a rule limiting this test to only cash benefits or long-term institutional care.

The Administration’s proposed new rule restores the broader discretion USCIS had during the first Trump administration. Officers can conduct case-by-case reviews considering an applicant’s age, health, family status, assets, financial resources, education, skills— and whether the person or their immediate family has received any means-tested taxpayer-funded benefits. Including things like food stamps, Medicaid, and free rent.

“Under President Trump,” USCIS Director Joseph B. Edlow told CBS, “USCIS is restoring the basic principle that immigrants must be able to support themselves.”

Meanwhile, Sarah Krieger, Director of an immigrant NGO, the National Immigration Law Center, complained, “The Trump administration is once again weaponizing the federal government to make immigrants afraid to go to the doctor, buy food, and even file taxes.” Sounds terrible.

“The final rule,” CBS reported, “could simply make food, health and housing assistance feel too risky on the tenuous path to permanent legal status in the United States.” Hopefully.

Anyway, the Democrats’ strategy here isn’t completely clear. Who’s going to run on “immigrants on welfare should still get green cards?”

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If you want to know what the state of modern crime has come to, look no further than Beltsville, Maryland, where a man recently attempted to rob a bank using the most terrifying weapon known to humanity: a three-month-old tuxedo kitten named Magnolia. New Jersey affiliate 103.7 ran the unlikely headline: “Man Tried To Rob A Bank With Stolen Kitten, Gets Arrested.”

Now, I am an attorney, not a criminal mastermind. (No lawyer jokes, please. Leave those to me.) Which means I spend most of my time trying to figure out why my wireless computer printer refuses to acknowledge my existence. But even I know that when you are planning a bank heist, you generally want to bring something, well, intimidating.

A firearm, perhaps. A machete. A very large stick. Or at the very least, a sternly worded letter from your homeowner’s insurance carrier. You do not, as a rule, bring a tiny, purring furball that weighs less than a below-average JimmyJohn’s junior sub.

But this is 2026, and apparently, the old rules no longer apply.

According to reports, the aspiring John Dillinger started his crime spree by catnapping at his local Pet Supplies Plus. For weeks, he had been casing the joint, which is another way of saying he came in every day to stare at the kittens. On the day of the heist, he finally made his move. He marched in, bypassed the squeaky toys, ignored the premium kibble, and snatched Magnolia right out of her adoption area.

His getaway left something to be desired. He fled the pet store with his stolen feline hostage and sprinted —or at least walked briskly— across the parking lot to a nearby PNC Bank. (Which does not stand for “Playing Near Cats.”)

At this point, we must wonder what his master plan was. Was he going to hold the kitten up to the teller and say, “Give me all the cash, or I’ll rub this cat’s belly until she falls asleep”? Did he think the bank had a strict “No Adorable Animals” policy that he could exploit for financial gain?

We may never know. Because, frankly, his execution was flawed.

Upon entering the bank, the robber/napper realized he had a terrific logistical problem: he needed to write a demand note, but his hands were full of kitten. So, he did what any reasonable, law-abiding citizen would do in the middle of a felony. He politely asked the bank manager to hold the kitten for him.

Pause, and appreciate this moment. “Excuse me, sir, I am about to rob your establishment, but this cat is very squirmy. Could you hold her while I threaten your employees?”

🐈 The manager, presumably confused but not entirely opposed to holding a kitten, obliged. The man then handed his demand note to the teller. The teller, presumably looking at the note, then at the man, and then at the manager holding the kitten, did not hand over the cash. Instead, the police were called.

The response was swift. According to Stephanie Stullich of Beltsville Community Cats, the rescue group that cares for Magnolia, the pet shop had already called the cops about the stolen kitten. When the police arrived en masse, she thought, “Wow, that’s a heck of a response for a stolen cat.” It was only later that she realized they were responding to a bank robbery.

The suspect was promptly arrested on the spot. No injuries were reported, mostly because kittens are famously bad at operating firearms. (No thumbs.)

Magnolia, who slept through most of the ordeal, was found safe in the manager’s office, unharmed and probably wondering when someone was going to open a can of wet food. She is now back with the rescue group, described as “sweet, playful, and always purring,” which are excellent qualities for a pet, but terrible qualities for a bank robber’s accomplice.

As for the suspect, he is now facing a variety of charges, and presumably a lot of awkward questions from his fellow inmates.

“What are you in for?”

“Armed robbery.”

“What did you use?”

“A tuxedo kitten.”

It just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

So, if you are in the Beltsville area and looking to adopt a pet, I highly recommend Magnolia. She has a clean criminal record, she’s great under pressure, and she’s already got experience in the banking industry. Just don’t ask her to help you write a demand note. Her spelling is terrible.

Have a terrific Saturday! We’ll be right here waiting for you on Monday morning, with an all-new roundup of essential news and caffeinated commentary.

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