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Juju's avatar

I can offer forgiveness all day long but if it is not accepted nor wanted the cycle is incomplete. I am not refusing to forgive someone in my heart. I have and I want to complete the exchange. True healing doesn’t occur until that cycle is complete. When the other party refuses to see they need it and don’t want it then there are consequences I can’t avoid, and those consequences aren’t because I have an unforgiving heart. They are because of their own actions.

People don’t have to “earn” forgiveness either. They simply have to acknowledge it is needed. That’s the way God set it up. Not by works - but is HAS to be accepted.

My faith, Christianity, clearly shows the cycle of forgiveness that even many churches get wrong in their teaching. Yes God has already forgiven all of us because he has a loving spirit BUT we cannot be saved from the punishment for our actions/choices/sin UNTIL we acknowledge we need forgiveness and accept his gift. Period. No amount of God’s forgiveness of us will save us from the punishment of sin UNTIL we accept it. Once we do forgiveness is instant because the heart giving it always wanted to give it. Then the cycle is complete.

But because we are free-will peoples, we cannot receive it without accepting it and we cannot accept it until we acknowledge we need it. So until then, we suffer the consequences and can’t be forgiven. If you think we can then there would be no hell. If God forgave us all then it doesn’t matter what we choose we would be going to heaven. But that’s not how forgiveness works. There are two parts. So one who doesn’t change and doesn’t acknowledge he needs forgiveness suffers the damnation. Does that make God unforgivable? No, that’s our fault, not His. He is a just God. Thinking he is incapable of forgiving because we suffer consequences or judgement is just projecting our own ugliness back onto Him. Everyone always thinks forgiveness is a one-way street but it’s not, not if we have true freedom of choice.

Forgiving others before they want it is for my own benefit, not theirs. But this talk is about them, not me. it’s about completing the cycle and why that’s so hard when the other side does not want it or want to change. For a functioning society we need that cycle to complete and that’s why we have the justice system.

Now there ARE ugly hearts that won’t grant forgiveness even when it is acknowledged and sought, they demand you “earn” it as you say. I've experienced that in my own life - and the people who should have forgiven me not only wrote me off, they continued to punish me long after I had changed. Ironically I forgave them repeatedly only to have them continue to wrong me in the same way time and again. We should not confuse the two types of people.

I offer forgiveness easily when someone acknowledges in some way that it is needed. It’s given in the blink of an eye. I recently had a long term friend from online who deeply hurt me and wronged me reach out timidly after almost three years to test the waters. I was polite but cautious. I could tell by her words she was truly sorry and did not know how to say it. So I began to just lovingly embrace her again, it was enough for me. It could be given but the circle couldn’t be completed until she came to terms with it herself. It is the same with the canyon sin creates between us and God. He places the cross down so we can cross the canyon. Just because the cross is laid we don’t magically appear on the other side. We have to CHOOSE to cross it!

My friend chose to reach out to me and in doing so it was crossing a divide created between us and I immediately showed my forgiveness. I missed her. I had forgiven her in my heart years earlier, but I couldn’t arrogantly tell her that when she didn’t think she did anything wrong. It took her less than a couple weeks for her dam to break and for her to tell me she was amazed at my forgiving heart and she felt so bad. I just loved her all the more. I’ve never brought up the past that destroyed our friendship. It was unnecessary. We are reconciled and it’s one of my most beautiful friendships today. That’s how it’s supposed to work - but it requires BOTH SIDES to do the right thing. Not just one side.

Our forgiving those who have treated us cruelly all these years depends on their choices too, not just our own. Until they WANT it, there ARE consequences. There WILL be a great divide. We don’t have to create additional consequences to hurt them in return, or demand they earn our forgiveness, the natural consequences and true justice of the law will be hurtful enough, and we shouldn’t be shamed or feel shame because of those consequences. Or be accused of having an unforgiving heart. We know in our hearts we will forgive, but they have to want that. Without consequences, they will never acknowledge what is wrong.

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Karen Cudzilo's avatar

I agree to be forgiven by God we have to acknowledge our need for forgiveness and repent( turn away) from our sin. He does not forgive us without this action by us. Also reconciliation is different and is the two way street you are referring to.

I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on whether God has forgiven all of us, I would agree He has offered forgiveness to all but as you state we have a choice of believing that Jesus paid for our sins and then receiving the forgiveness offered. Along with our eternal reward of continuing our life with Him.

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Juju's avatar

I think we agree more than you think. Possibly due to each of our own different experiences with terminology.

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