☕️ DING BATS ☙ Saturday, April 1, 2023 ☙ C&C NEWS 🦠
Bragg surprises with unexpected charges; mostly-peaceful Trans Visibility protests win support; DOJ chief get award for off-duty heroics; and a new Ukrainian victory might signal end of the war.
Happy April 1st, C&C! Welcome to the Weekend Edition. Your roundup includes: Manhattan DA discloses surprising charges against President Trump; Trans Day of Visibility changes hearts and minds; Merrick Garland receives award for surprising act of heroism; and a successful Ukraine offensive may have the Russians up against the ropes in the Proxy War.
🗞💬 *WORLD NEWS AND COMMENTARY* 💬🗞
🔥 Late yesterday afternoon, jolly Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg shocked corporate media with an early disclosure of the previously-sealed indictment charges against President Trump.
The newly-released charges shocked almost everyone, who had been expecting to see long-discussed criminal charges related to alleged payments by sketchy Trump-related persons to one more more well-endowed adult performers. Instead, DA Bragg unveiled a sobering list of serious charges against the former President including: excessive tweeting, overuse of the “thumbs up” gesture, substandard dancing, toxic masculinity, negligent injury to military-industrial sector profits, mean-spirited nicknaming, and 17 counts of improper use of pronouns.
In response, Trump released a video message saying, “District Attorney Braggart, who should be watching his calories instead of filing false, politically-motivated charges, will be crying like a little girl when all this is over, believe me.” Then the President did his famous YMCA dance, sticking both thumbs up the entire time.
DA Bragg did not comment, nor could he, because at the time reporters asked him for comment, his mouth was full in the middle of a strawberry pie-eating contest in Schenectady, New York.
🔥 Yesterday’s Trans Day of Visibility turned out to be a peaceful and joyful celebration of love and freedom, a commemoration of the right to choose one’s own identity with dignity — no matter what that identity is, or even how UN-dignified it is — along with the freedom to keep testing out as many identities as you want on a lifelong journey of discovery to locate the perfect identity — or identities! — that “feel” the most “right” for the personal individual at any particular time of hour, day, month or year.
(NOTE: You may not identify as black. Or American Indian. Not those ones. Nobody is born into the wrong-colored body, don’t be ridiculous. But apart from that, you should have total freedom!)
The AP interviewed Missouri Capitol trans protestor Arvin Bargg, who identifies as an adult baby. “Goo goo, birrup?” Bargg explained, gesturing toward his sign that read, “It’s definitely NOT a sexual fetish.”
The AP reporter sweetly asked Bargg, “maybe it’s time for nap nap?” and Bargg tartly replied, “f—— off, jerk.”
What can I tell you, identities come and go sometimes.
In addition to being a trans-baby rights activist, Arvin is one of LA County’s newest Commissioners, having handily won his election, and will take office as soon as a giant crib can be installed in the County Commission’s chambers.
By all accounts, the first annual Transvestite Day of Visibility was a mostly peaceful success, with only a few normies getting punched in the face, shouted down, or occasionally lit on fire. The day culminated with an exciting ribbon-cutting ceremony opening the brand-new “Tolerance Camp for Kids.”
(Courtesy South Park, from 2002!)
🔥 Yesterday, the New York Times ran a puff-piece on DOJ head Merrick Garland headlined, “DOJ Chief Garland Wins Statewide Speed-Knitting Contest; Saves Day as Tangled Competition Unravels.”
The Times reported that on Friday, the 2023 International Speed-Knitting Competition in Yarnsville, Pennsylvania nearly derailed when an unprecedented accident threatened to shred the contest’s very fabric.
Needles flashing like samurai swords, the youngest contestant and current title holder Alma May Bursted, 82, was poised to knit her way to the victory, armed with her finest hand-dyed alpaca wool, featuring her own trademarked, award-winning colors like “Bubblegum Apocalypse” and “Emotional Cobalt.”
Tensions were running higher than a wool sweater in a 400-degree dryer.
As the official countdown timer hit the two-minute mark, disaster suddenly and unexpectedly struck the contest. As if out of nowhere, a rogue ball of loose yarn rolled across the high school gym floor, snarling the competitors and tripping them left and right, prompting media observers to shout for warning labels to be applied to all yarn sales. Competition-destroying chaos ensued, knitting needles flew wildly around the gymnasium, yarn tangled into impossible knots, and anguished grown adults wept over their half-knitted scarves like children who were just told Halloween was cancelled for a virus.
But suddenly and unexpectedly, an unlikely hero emerged from the tangly pandemonium. The nation’s top law enforcement officer and unrated contestant Merrick Garland, 92, grabbed his trusted DOJ-logoed needles and sprang into action. With the precision of a seasoned knitter twice his age, he unraveled the disorderly mess of snarled yarn, restoring law and order to the competition.
It wasn’t even close. For his heroic act of bravery, the contest judges unanimously awarded Garland the top prize — even though, to be honest, his loosely-knit scarf looked like something off Hobby Lobby’s clearance rack. Just saying.
🚀 Yesterday, Bloomberg ran a story headlined, “Zelensky Personally Leads Troops Liberating Bahkmut Twinkie Factory; War Takes Sweet Turn.”
Supplies dwindling and ammunition rations petering out, the Russian Battalion at Bahkmut was on its last legs Friday. After two failed Ukrainian assaults, former comedian and President Vladimir Zelenskyy — with no formal military training! — took personal command of the Ukrainian 117th brigade and led a daring raid on a Hostess manufacturing plant where the wily Russian soldiers were barricaded, all maniacally hopped up on sugar in violation of International Law.
About 3pm Ukraine time, as twilight was falling, Zelensky pored over maps of the confectionary, frantically drawing circles and lines like a two-year old holding a permanent marker who’d just drank his first Starbucks mocha chino with a quadruple shot. In about two hours, as night fell on the shivering soldiers, Operation Moonpie Offensive began to take form, and it was pretty darn sweet.
Deploying a cunning strategem — as well as a previously unknown mastery of dessert-based warfare — Zelensky unveiled NATO’s most secret high-tech weapon, recently shipped to Ukraine under cover of darkness from a German candymaker: a confectionary catapult with AI-controlled satellite targeting. With uncanny precision, the Ukrainians pelted the jittery Russian brigade into total submission using an array of high-calorie artillery, including but not limited to Ding Dongs, Sno Balls, and the occasional Ho-Ho.
Humiliated, defeated, and coated in a sticky layer of artificial cream filling, the Russians surrendered meekly without further resistance. In a post-raid interview, president Zelenkey — covered in sticky crumbs and limping from a friendly-fire incident involving a wayward cherry pie to the leg — told reporters, “It was a piece of cake. Literally.” Zelensky creamed the hapless Russian forces, whisking them away, which put the icing on the war cake, forcing beleaguered Russian President Putin to finally agreed to terms of total surrender, with talks tentatively scheduled in a neutral sweet shop.
An anonymous source told Bloomberg the negotiations will be catered by Nestlé. Hostess is still mad about its Twinkie factory.
Progress! World peace is right around the corner, in a rack at the Stop-n-Save.
Happy April Fools Day! Have a wonderful weekend. I’ll be back on Monday with a regular roundup to start your week off the C&C way.
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Every suspenseful syllable of the 2023 International Speed-Knitting Competition rundown had me in stitches, Jeff! 🤣🤣🤣
That's it. You've won April 1.
I was eating and darn near choked - thank you for the laughs!! As for this trans garbage.... I don't even know where to begin, but I do think April 1st should be their official day because the whole thing is a joke. How about one them identify as a sane adult who contributes something to society? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?